- Ribs all around. Dry rub is preferred, but sauce will be allowed as an adjunct. No boiled ribs. If you boil ribs I'll implement an executive order to banish you to Wisconsin. And I can do that because I lived there and I had to eat fucking boiled ribs.
- Fuckwit registry. A mandatory "do not be a fuckwit" registry will be established and if you're on it you cannot be anywhere I am.
- Non-invasive chin lifts. I don't give a rat's ass about eye bags or crow's feet, but this under chin wattle bullshit is unacceptable. It will carry a $100 deductible and include a pair of funky earrings.
- Detainment of anyone who espouses a slogan referencing fixing the economy, healthcare system, tort system, reduction of defense of the US, abolishment of businesses and requiring my cents (notice I said cents and not dollars because that's what we're all coming down to) to be redistributed to them, without a valid thought-out program for actually carrying it out, and you ain't redistributing anything I got anyway so that one's a no-goer, to a disgusting toilet looking room from a Saw movie. Shake it off. Clear your mind and grow the fuck up and take notes and grow up. Enjoy the voice from the speaker system.
- You must kiss my ass because I am asskisserworthy. And my arms look better than Michelle's and I don't go sleeveless in midwinter because no normal person does. Or, in air conditioning. Or wear sweaters that Hello Kitty threw away when she grew up. Bless her heart.
- Whack-a-mole those who talk about border problems when it's convenient and then act SURPRISED! when cartels establish their hives on actual American's land and wonder why people are getting a bit...peeved.
- Free bunionectomies and accompanying strappy sandals for those who appreciate strappy sandals and kitten heels and slides.
- Outlaw PowerPoint presentations because they are destroying our civilization. I'm not kidding. I wouldn't lie. Or at least insert some weirdass animation in them to wake people up and get them on track again.
- Muzzle Susan Sarandon, Joe Biden, Sean Hannity, Ron Paul, the Won, Hollywood, Congress, former presidents, former presidential advisors, commentators and pretty much everyone else so that when they speak they have to make a real hard extra effort to get their points across. And we can then laugh at them because they're muzzled and sound garbled like they are. I'm an equal opportunity muzzler and realize there are more to be muzzled.
Pray. Because, hoo boy, we need it.
Sign me up!
ReplyDeleteSounds excellent.
ReplyDeleteI heartily endorse the use of "Bless her heart" for those less... advanced.
Boiled ribs are a sacrilege. I wasn't overly pleased with the last dry rub but I'll try again on your recommendation.
ReplyDeleteSince chin wattle is all I got to complain about - I'm on board for that too.
I don't know nuthin' about American politics so I'll just nod my head wattleless and gnaw on a rib or two.
I'll give out free key chains that have real beef jerky on them.
ReplyDeleteJoan! Where you been?
Bucket List priorities.
ReplyDeleteI don't remember any Wisconsin boiled ribs. Maybe that's why, all the goodness was boiled out of them and ingesting slimey meat sucked the savoriness out of me.
ReplyDeleteNo wattles here, yet, but I went to a Group Health Medicare information session in hopes of clearing up all the options and trying to get a grasp of hopefully a smaller monthly fee. Cleared up real good--"Honey, y'all in the wrong session. You wanna contact PEBB." Oh, well, the snacks were pretty good. The PEBB website is full of information, but incomprehensible.
Boiled ribs??? EWWWWW!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'll vote for ya. Where do I go to do this?
I may,just possibly, have conflated a couple of regions...some people actually boil them and then cook them in the oven. But, I think they're troglodytes. I do believe we had ours cooked in the oven which is similar to being boiled. So I screwed up a metaphor or two. Or whatever. I'm getting old.
ReplyDeleteKim, you are the voice in my head! the one that screams after a day of getting political speeches (by osmosis! I never march out deliberately to read them)
ReplyDeleteand especially the one that i hear after looking at my chin in the mirror.
and the point about the bunioectomies is extremely well taken
and you have my full agreement on PowerPoint presentations
all in all: how do you want me to sign up, with my right hand only or with two?
My mother used to make beef ribs in a pressure cooker with potatoes and sauerkraut. It sounds appalling, but it was actually amazingly good. You end up with a strange kind of proto-stew, as the flavor of the beef permeates the potatoes and the kraut, and the juices at the bottom accumulate and make a sort of gravy.
ReplyDeleteKeith, that recipe sounds totally wonderful. It doesn't fall into the "wrong way" of cooking ribs. It's a hybrid that makes my mouth water.
ReplyDelete